1965 Grange Hermitage

A little comedy I wrote recently : A man and his wife walk into the high class restuarant, the man in a super expensive suit looks slightly frazzled.

The high class waiter looks towards the man and asks,

“Hello Sir, what can i get for your wife tonight please?”

“Ask her” he says flinching slightly, “Here’s my credit card, just charge everything she wants to that and don’t bother me, the whip marks on my back are still hurting from when I didn’t park close enough to your front door for this princesses versace chain nappa leather sandals now have 8 grains of disgusting dirt upon them, which is clearly my fault. Our queens counsellors will be contacting your business in due course.”

“Hello maam, what can i get for you tonight please?”

“Don’t be so rude you fool, I am not some old woman to be addressed as Maam, I’ll have grange hermitage by the bottle, preferably the ’65 if you have any.”

“right away miss.” deadpans the waiter in supplication.

“i am a married woman, don’t call me miss, the appropriate way to address me is this – supreme ruler of the universe, the most high and enlightened beautiful heir apparent to all earth.”

“right you are, supreme ruler of the universe, the most high and enlightened beautiful heir apparent to all the earth, I will just get that 1965 grange hermitage for you right now.”

“Be about it quickly then you peasant.”

The waiter turns his back and starts to walk away.

“Waiter, one does not turn ones back upon the supreme ruler of the universe, the most high and enlightened beautiful heir apparent to all the earth! You will personally be hearing from the queens counsel legal team leader, Lord Sufferage before the evening is over.”

The waiter freezes mid step, re-approaches the supreme ruler of the universe, the most high and enlightened beautiful heir apparent to all the earth, doubles over in a bow that places his nose directly between his knocking knees, holds that position for exactly seven seconds, then begins stepping backwards carefully whilst maintaining the position until he is ten metres away from her majesty, turns abruptly in military precision and strides towards the wine cellar at haste.

“Oh fuck.” he mumbles silently to himself, whilst enjoying his consideration of relabelling the gossips merlot with the grange hermitage 1965 utilising the sticker printing machine they keep around for just such occasions.

Some few short minutes later he unscrews the incorrectly labelled gossips merlot and pours a taster into her majesties crystal glass.

“I’ve always loved this drop of fine wine, that’ll do nicely, thank you waiter it is acceptable.”

As the waiters carefully pours the appropriate measure into the crystal class, the husband notes the waiters name tag reads “Robert Paulson”, which the husband of course needs to provide to his lawyers department leader.