New Australian Proverbs, by daj 2022.

Talk does not cook the bbq.

That roo steak is not hopping onto the bbq by itself.

Look the roo is cute and all, but if you don’t shoot it in the head we can’t eat it.

A wombat burrows its own holes.

Spilt beer is not worth crying over, but iced coffee is, that stuff stinks once it dries.

Climb their backs and you’ll find the footy.

The sun does not care about your lack of water.

May the flies go up your nose and in your eyes.

If you have a fly in your mouth, it was too wide open.

a gorilla showing wide mouth and sharp teeth
A wide mouth : Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

If you can taste the fly in your mouth, you really shouldn’t have chewed it.

A trip from the back of Bourke is counted in six packs.

I am hopping mad.

Strewth, that sheila has got some balls.

Strewth, that fella has got some balls.

Do not tempt me to pile you into the boot of my hq and leave you in the desert.

When a tree falls in a forest, it was a white farmer that chain dragged it down.

When you fall into an unmarked hole, that was left there by a white miner.

photo of brown wood logs
Deforestation : Photo by Sharad Bhat on Pexels.com

If the black fella smiles in the dark, you can see him.

Be grateful the black fella is smiling in the dark.

Are you laughing at me, or with me? One is cause for a blew, the other is not.

If the publican asks you to leave, just fracking do it, ok mate.

photo of a man in a beige coat lighting a cigarette
Smoking with a friend : Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

Hey mate, can I have a cigarette? No.

Hey mate can I have a ciggie? Only if you’ve got a lighter, mine just died.

Hey mate can I bludge a smoke off you? Sure mate here’s four, can you put this twenty bucks through the pokie machine whilst I grab another bourbon will ya?

Turn the tap off after you’ve had a drink.

Look mate, when you come to australia, please be aware of the following immutable facts. The roads can kill you. The desert can kill you. The sharks want to bite you, wait for you to drown from fatigue and then eat you. That spiders’ bite kills you if you don’t get to hospital quick enough.

The spiders enjoy a snack of mosquito, leave their webs alone. The mozzies can actually pick you up and carry you back to their watering hole.

The rivers flood and they’ll kill you.

Queenslands rivers flood annually, but they won’t collect the stormwater much.

South Australias rivers rarely flood because Queensland industry and agriculture takes most of the water.

New South Wales farmers and industry are glad they have more water than south australia.

That snake, yep, it can kill you. That other snake, yep it can kill you too. That snake track in the sand, that’s of a snake that can kill you. That cute platypus, yep it’s claws are so toxic it can kill you.

If you jump that barbed wire fence and get scratched out here, that could kill you in two days.

The drop bears are not a myth, they kill anyone whom disturbs them.

close up photo of angry looking koala
See how vicious that looks? : Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The weird thing about drop bears is that no one alive has ever seen one.

Buy a bike helmet we don’t like brains on the road.

Shane Warne had massive soft hands.

We are all local indigenous, or descended from convicts or immigrants fleeing oppression. Who the hell are you?

The Commonwealth government wants your taxes. The State government wants your taxes. The Local government wants to tax you somehow too, but they just call it “rates”. Get a great accountant and bury your money under a conservation bush.

The more money you earn the less taxes you’ll pay! But the accountancy fees go up, so it’s a swings and balances kind of thing being rich.

Lawyers read fast and talk slow, but it’s all the same bullshit. My client did absolutely nothing wrong ever in their whole life, they are a wonderful upstanding member of society and donate money to, cough, donate money to a random not for profit organisation that my niece does not currently work at.

Which not for profit organisation does your nephew work for?

She’s gonna start next week, just waiting on the working with vulnerable people recheck.

You should have the vulnerable person check already mate, that’s slack planning.

Well, she did change her name after transgender surgery, so the checks take a bit longer now.

person with man and woman face
Transgendered name changing : Photo by Dean Shim on Pexels.com

It’s easy to get money from any one of the three governments. In the first year just fill out their forms in triplicate, wait an incredibly long time for them to reply “no”. Reapply in the second year, wait for the next reply which is “not at this time”. Reapply in the third year, wait for the next reply of “we have lost your application, thus funding denied”. Reapply on the fourth year and use dancourierdotcom to hand deliver the paperwork, then yourself head out to the governmental carpark with your custom .22 and start shooting the road signs perched from the back of your ute.
“Funding application accepted, please have a nice day.”

Look at that, another day fishing and not doing bullshit media work for cricket australian executives to get rich on.

Do not cross cricket australia executives by enjoying your life openly, they don’t like that, they’ll take umbrage and ostracize and isolate you so much you’ll commit suicide by single vehicle motor vehicle accident.

If a tree falls in a forest can you hear a bulldozer or a chain saw?

We dig down by blowing up.

mining excavation on a mountain
Dig Down by Blowing Up : Photo by Vlad Chețan on Pexels.com

That snake over there, yeh mate it can kill you.

Two snakes are slithering towards you, what do you do? – I step backwards. – Too bad you stepped on the snake behind you and made them all angry.

Two snakes are slithering towards you, what do you do? – I freeze and go quiet. – Too bad they don’t like the way you smell so are going to bite you.

Two snakes are slithering towards you, what do you do? – I run really fast to the right. – That’s actually a pretty good choice.

Two snakes are slithering towards you, what do you do? – I walk carefully to the left. – That is also a pretty good choice.

Well done, are you ready for the final task?

Two snakes are slithering towards you, what do you do? – I can go either left or right, fast or slow. – Too bad, indecision has frozen you and the snakes still don’t like your smell.

grey and brown snake opening mouth
The snakes are gentle : Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

Can you fly?

For fucks sake driver, youre a taxi service, you’re supposed to know where your going when I say 38 lomaninda drive redfern. It’s been there over two hundred years.

Do not vomit in my car.

Hey bus driver can I put my broken bike in the wheelchair space? No.

Hey bus driver can I please put my bike in the wheelchair space? That’ll cost you two tickets.

Hey bus driver can I put my bike in the wheelchair ticket? No, there’s a wheelchair user there.

Hey bus driver can I put my bike in the wheelchair space. We don’t have one, just slide it into the back seat and hold it out of anyone’s way ok mate?

Australian Proverbs by David Jarvis 12th May 2022.

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