New Proverbs of Australiania – Duck Tales, by david jarvis 2022.

I was riding my bike the other day along a shared pathway and whilst I was quickly reading the local councils’ sign that said “Beware and cautious of the Ducks.”

I didn’t notice the duckling I squashed.

duckling on black soil during daytime
yet to be squashed duckling : Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

*****

A mate of mine was riding his bike home from work one night in the dark. They was riding along a bikeway and noticed a sign saying “Beware and cautious of the Ducks.” Whilst distracted by the unnecessary sign, they rode into a steel pole that was right in the middle of the shared pathway, and later woke up in hospital.

In australia local councils frequently place steel poles right in the middle of shared pathways, apparently it stops cars driving on the shared pathway. Meanwhile thousands of bike riders and joggers actually smash into those poles and never, or rarely report the matter to council, whom continue to believe no harm is done by placing steel poles in the middle of shared pathways, because most of them don’t run nor ride bikes. Better Call Saul.

white and black no smoking sign
Avoid the steel poles that could smash your brains in : Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

*****

Two ducks were having a chat whilst next to a bike way on the Torrens. One duck remarked, “What do you think that sign says Martha?”

“I’ve got no idea Roger, but I’m confident about fifty businesses tendered for the contract to place it up.”

“I guess then that 49 businesses are discontent about council for not giving them work, whilst one was really happy to have a bone thrown at them.”

Mates rates rarely happen, but successful tenders happen all the time. Unsuccessful tenders even more so.

*****

Two ducks in a daring display upon a councils’ shared deathway.

One duck turned to the other duck and asked,

“You look different to me, who the fuck are you?”

“I’m a local council duck.”

“Oh, yeh, right, I remember you, council put up signs about you everywhere, what’s up with that?”

“I gotta be seen to be doing something or I’ll loose my job as a local council duck.”

“What the fuck?”

“The signs man, I just appear on signs all over the place and it makes council look like they are spending rate payers money on improving the local environment and saving the ducks.”

“Fuck man, I’m a duck and can’t eat that sign. In fact my mate the magpie flew into that sign the other day and then got run over by a council quad.”

“Did you eat him?”

“nah, i’m a vegetarian, though I do quite like council grubs.”

*****

Two ducks are standing adjacent a shared pathway in front of a tall steel pole, upon which is a yellow sign.

One duck turns towards the other duck, eyeing it off suspiciously, the duck looks the other duck up and down, webbed feet to bill and states,

“I’m wary of you.”

*****

Australian Wedge Tailed Eagle : By fir0002flagstaffotos [at] gmail.comCanon 5D III + Canon 400mm f/5.6 L – Own work, GFDL 1.2, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=25890136

Perched high above the world, in a nest in an endangered tree, one magnificent australian wedge tailed eagle turns to the other endangered eagle and states.

“This is really weird, I’ve got these massive talons, this brilliantly sharp and deadly beak. I fly faster than most other birds, fly higher and dive harder than even the F35. I can spot a mouse from a kilometer away and hunt down rabbits just by listening for them.”

“So why the naff does council keep putting up signs saying “Beware and cautious of the ducks, but nothing about the Eagle?”

“yeh mate, no friggin respect in this world, I think it’s because the white farmers have slaughtered us so long we are no longer a threat to their lambs and calves. I don’t even like lamb or calve, a good bit of eastern grey kangaroo is far tastier and healthier.”

*****

An aussie citizen got harmed out in the local environment. After an anonymous stranger called an ambulance the citizen was taken unconscious to a hospital. Upon waking the citizen discovered they had been helped out by staff and despite their pain and suffering they was still alive.

They asked an attending nurse, “What happened to me?”

“How the naff would I know I work for state government? Nobody tells me anything.”

Later in the day a pastor came into the room to check up the citizen and the citizen asked.

“What happened to me?”

“How the naff would I know, I am funded by local government. Nobody tells me anything.”

Much later in the day the citizen has a family member visit with deep concern for their welfare.

“Oh Scott, what happened to me?”

“How the naff would I know I was in canberra when we heard about your injury. My business class tax payer funded red eye flight was late because of security issues, so I haven’t been informed about the matter yet.”

Much much later the citizen is kneeling on the side of their bed on the cold hard hospital floor.

“Oh lord thank you for saving my life, what the naff happened to me?”

From the heavens a light shines down upon the citizen and a booming voice thunders,

“You was distracted by the duck in the red dress and rode into a council sign that was less than one metre from the shared pathway. You’re Pinarello is smashed and hidden in the ducks’ bushes nearby.”

*****

Be wary of being distracted by the duck in the red dress or you might squash your head into the steel sign saying “Beware of the ducks.”

*****

Two ducks are standing next to a large yellow sign.

One duck turns to the other duck and quacks,

“Man that pluck a duck was a fucking legend. Whatever happened to them?”

The second duck replies,

“I’m not sure, but council advertise to beware of us ducks all the time, so maybe pluck a duck took up a life of crime.”

“Oh, so that’s why we have a bad rep!”

*****

Have you ever been hurt by a duck, if not why be wary of them?

*****

A team of queens counsellors sit around a large mahogany committee table. On the table are several bottles of grange hermitage, two bottles of blue label johnnie walker, various crystal glasses. One queens counsellor turns to the other queens counsellor and states,

“I saw a sign the other day that said “Beware of Ducks”.”

“Please elaborate.” states the ex prime minister.

“Well, it seems to me that the reputation of ducks is being denigrated by that sign. I’ve never been hurt by a duck. What’s your position on the wariness of ducks?”

“That sounds plausible, lets have a chat with a senator and see if we can get a motion passed to give a damn about the ducks.”

*****

One queens counsellor turns to the other queens counsellor and states,

“What’s your position on being aware of ducks?”

“My opening position is that the sign says “beware of the ducks”, so they are probably quite deadly.”

“Thank you for stating your opening position. If I may expand upon that position. If the ducks aren’t actually deadly, then is that sign implying libel about the ducks being worthy of being wary of them?”

“I think you’re on to something there mate. Whom represents the ducks these days?”

“I’ve heard Pluck does.”

“Pluck, the duck?”

“Yeh, that’s them, apparently he has taken up a life of crime and that’s why local council keep putting up signs about all the other ducks.”

“I don’t give a damn about the little ducks, but that Pluck, he has deep pockets. Serve council notice about the potential for libel and slander caused by their signs.”

*****

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