Personal Training Jokers, by david jarvis Winter day 4, 2022.

Hey mate what you doing on leg day this week?

I’m skipping on leg day.

*****

An obese man asks his personal trainer “friend”,

“What’s the fastest way to get in shape for my wedding photos?”

“You’re getting married, hey cool mate, what shape do you want to be in for the photos?”

“Yeh, she’s the love of my life. I want to lose 40 kilograms, narrow my waist and widen my shoulders. Go for that classic V shape.”

“Look, you know I love you right.”

“uh, yeh.”

“The fastest way to lose 40 kg and get a V shape for your wedding photos is to hire a photographer that is great with Photoshop.”

*****

I got this massive individual and after they’ve hired me as a personal trainer, I asked them to work out for 30 minutes, which they did and they felt so accomplished about the work out they celebrated by demolishing a six pack and two hamburgers with the lot. I think they’ll keep using my service until they achieve their weight loss goals.

*****

I’ve got this absolutely stunning woman, who is in perfect shape, presents beautifully, works hard, wears gorgeous and revealing looking expensive brand name clothing whom has just joined up with my fitness training programs.

Man, better hang onto her, do her training programs in high volume public places. That’ll draw some positive attention of your quality services.

Well, I suppose I should have, but I was actually a bit worried about her throwing up after drinking her post work out shake three sessions in a row. I had a chat with her about that and asked if there was something I could do to help.

Sounds fair, what happened?

She fell to the ground and broke down crying, so I called an ambulance, but the paramedics said she wasn’t in immediate danger so there was nothing they could do.

Bastards, man, that just sucks.

Well, the paramedics did suggest she needs a different kind of help, so I suggested we find her a psychologist to assist.

How’d that work out.

Well, I wouldn’t tell you specifics due to confidentiality, but I don’t actually know anyways, because she quit and I’ve not seen her since.

*****

I’ve got this super keen individual whom wants me to train them every day four hours a day, so I took them onboard, asked them to pay for four weeks in advance and now I’ve got 25 days off for holidays.

Why you on holidays?

Well they trained brilliantly hard on the first day, but on the second day got injured during the plyometric exercises they insisted on doing even against my advise, so on the third day my follow up training advise was to take 6 weeks off to heal and practise restraint. I think they’ll keep using my service.

*****

I recently had a teenage tennis player, whom is hoping desperately to become a professional player. They’ve been getting injured a little bit too much and their physiotherapist suggested they seek out a master trainer, so they found me. In my preliminary assessment of their fitness I noticed they have major body imbalances and suggested those imbalances are the root cause of their repeated injuries. So I spent about two hours developing a training program to redress those imbalances through off set gym training and whole body easy movements.

Sounds great, what happened?

They quit shortly after I showed them the workouts would pretty much all work their non preferred side.

*****

I have this new yet somewhat keen individual whom tells me they have repeated knee soreness.

Oh, what did you do?

I suggested they work on easy short exercises for stability for their ankles and hips and see a physiotherapist about their knee pain.

What happened?

They said that working out steadily on their ankles and hips didn’t sound like the right thing to do, so they quit.

*****

A coach asked me to work with one of their keenest athletes, advising that the athlete keeps getting injured and depressed.

Sounds interesting, what happened?

I examined the athletes training schedule and basically cut the physical workouts in half, lessening intensity and duration and gave the athlete and coach some quality advise on psychological training methodologies.

How’d that go?

The athlete quit and the coach told me they’d never suggest my service again.

*****

I’ve got this high powered professional person whom has grown sedentary during their career and has discovered they’ve got type 2 diabetes and repeated issues from obesity.

Sounds pretty common mate, you follow the typical pathway forward?

Kind of, we did a couple of light sessions over two months as the client had trouble organising time for their workouts. I took that onboard and suggested they could do ten minute workouts at home and provided them with contact details of a local dietician.

How’d that work out?

They told me they didn’t have the time for all that stuff, so they quit.

*****

I’ve got this lawyer client, whom has grown obese and been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is suffering from sore neck and back issues every day. They’ve reached out to me because their supervisor has given them ten sessions with my fitness training service, paid for in advance no less!

Hey man, that’s a great deal, how’s it going?

Quite weird actually, i suggested we go for a walk in the first session and the client said they wanted to run.

Ok, so you ran?

Yeh mate we started running, got twenty metres and the client said they wanted to walk from then on.

Fair enough, we’ve all got limits mate. What happened next?

Well after we had warmed up with the walking for ten minutes I suggested we do some push ups.

And?

The client said they wanted to do sit ups as they didn’t like push ups.

lol, so you did sit ups?

Of course bro! The client did five sit ups and then their telephone rang, they told me they had to finish the session early and would see me next week.

Cool man, how’d the second session go?

Funny you should ask, I asked the client to start with a light jog and they told me they wanted to walk first.

Well that’s good news, so you went for the walk to warm up.

Yep, we did the ten minute walking warm up and I suggested we do some sit ups.

Of course you did bro, and what happened?

They told me they wanted to try some push ups this week. So I asked them to do five.

And…?

They told me they’d aim for twenty, couldn’t do the seventh and then their telephone rang and they had to finish the session early.

You got a third session booked in yet mate?

Yep, I’ll tell you about it next week.

*****

I’ve recently upgraded my qualifications by attending a 7 day workshop on high performance planning for athletes.

Epic mate, I was thinking about that course, how’d it go?

Really useful mate, we got to explore microcycles, macrocycles, methodology on progression and which energy systems are best suited to which types of athletes, and when to train which energy systems during a calendar year, truly useful stuff.

Sounds sweet man, can you share with me the documentation?

No fucking chance, course cost me two grand and you are a business competing against me!

lol.

*****

G’day mate, how’s the lawyers’ personal training program coming along?

Still quite weird, the third week was booked, but as I was setting up for the session down near their office in the city, I got a telephone call from the clients’ secretary asking to reschedule for the following day.

Yeh mate, that happens too naffing often, did you have a spot open for the next day?

Nope, that’s my rest and recovery day, so I suggested the day after.

And…?

The secretary said the client couldn’t do that and they’d call me back later that day to reorganise the third session.

Fair enough, you got the booking yet?

Well, again that was weird, I got a telephone call from a different secretary two days later whom apologised for taking so long to get back to me and that the client would have to miss the next two weeks.

Yeh, that happens with the busy professionals. Did they set a booking?

Yep, same day of the week, same place, same time, just trying to help the client be regular ya know.

*****

Mate, have I got a doozy for you!

Ok, ok, tell me the story.

Right you know how i told you about the new client, the thirty something year old male whose wife had bought him a ten session pass to my personal training service.

Yeh, I recall that one.

Ok so last week the client had to cancel. And this week they got back to me and shared this little story over the phone. The client is a soccer player with the local club, apparently he plays right defender. Anyways he was talking about all that and how the clubs’ centre forward is a brilliant star, probably going to make it into the professional league.

Ok, so the client is a bit jealous maybe?

Wait for it bro, the client was sharing with me how the centre forward comes round their house a few times a week and they enjoy kicking back and having a few laughs whilst his missus cooks them tucker.

So?

Well you recall that the client missed the session last week?

Yeh.

Ok, so the client missed that session and decided to head home instead as they had a bit of a runny nose. The client tells me when he got home he found the centre forward shagging his missus in the lounge room!

*****

Hey man, what’s going on with that lawyer client of yours?

Right, we’re up to session three which was postponed for three weeks, and, well here’s the story. The client arrived in that magnificent new tesla that is being advertised all over the place, it’s totally dead silent and looks gorgeous. Anyways, we start out with a walk around the basketball court of the rec centre.

Ok, so you’ve convinced them a walk is a decent start.

So it seems. We get 8 minutes into the warm up walk and his phone rings!

Bullshit, they had to finish early again?

NOPE, instead the client went absolutely ape shit into the phone, threw it across the stadium and it smashed into the wall. I was totally blown, but just listened as they vented at me.

Come on man, tell it, what’d he say.

I dunno mate, you’re not gonna believe this.

Come on, spit it out.

Ok, apparently the tesla was a gift from a property developer who had hired the lawyers firm to smooth over some feathers with the local council.

So?

Well the phone call was from the lawyers boss saying that the feathers hadn’t been smoothed over and the client had to give back the tesla.

Oh dear, what happened next.

Well this is the very first session the client has done the whole session with me! They did everything I asked of them, we did push ups, sit ups, shuttle runs, dead lifts, squats, all the works man, this dude just kept doing everything I asked, worked out brilliantly. Nothing like a bit of motivation to inspire a work out, hey mate. They even booked a fourth session for later in this week, rather than waiting till next week.

You got em, that’s progression, nice job mate.

*****

G’day mate, hows the personal training going this week bro?

I picked up a new client, totally out of my usual demographics, so that’s pretty cool.

Oh yeh, you wanna share the story?

Yeh mate, the new client is a mother of a teenager, and I’m training the teenager. She’s a 14 year old girl who presents as in her optimal weight range, reasonably fit and healthy and seems keen to try everything I suggest.

A model client, what’s the catch?

The mother comes to every session and “encourages” the daughter by shouting repeatedly at her to work harder, lift heavier, just really lets the poor girl have it.

Ah – the mother is a cheerleader driving the girl to perform highly then. I get those parents heaps in my sports coaching.

First time for me bro, you got any advice please?

Absolutely, set up some equipment at your site, but then spend at least half the session just jogging away from the site, like hundreds of metres away. You’ll discover the parent can’t keep up with the jogging and will hang around at the site you set up, and the kid will enjoy the peace and quiet.

Sounds like a plan, thanks mate.

*****

Righty O, athletes for some motivation about restraint I’ve got a little story to share.

You’ve heard about the worlds greatest boxer, Muhammad Ali?

Yes! He’s the best there ever was!

One of his sayings was that he didn’t start counting his repetitions until the pain started.

So?

He can’t count anymore because of brain injury and lives in constant pain.

What’s your point?

Do you think overtraining in boxing has anything to do with Ali’s post professional health?

*****

Skipping on leg day leads to epic gains.